The View from Number One-Four-Two

Every year I forget to do my tax return - there are two deadlines - the end of December if you want any unpaid tax to be collected through your tax code or the final deadline of 31st January. I can never work out why I always owe money as I'm PAYE but I digress.

For the past few years I've been desperately looking for log in details and P60's and P11D's in the last few days of January and every year I say "next year I'll do it as soon as I get all the information from my company" - of course this never happens so I then say "I will get it done before the December deadline so I can pay it over the year"

So this year I picked up all the things I needed before we left for my Dad's house and this morning I sat down to do it - only to find that the December deadline was YESTERDAY!!!

Medway council sent out a leaflet (nicely printed in colour on card) to every house to inform them when their recycling collections would be - they collect paper, cans etc one week and garden refuse the next. As I said one was sent to every house in the councils area.

The one we got informed us that the blue box collection (paper etc) would be today - I thought it was a bit strange as it was only collected a week ago. Anyway everyone in the street put out their recycling and guess what - they're still there! Well some of it is still there, other bits are now strewn down the street either by the wind or by passing hooligans!!

Anyway imagine if the council has sent out a letter to every house with the wrong information on it!! What will they do then? Oh well I guess we can always recycle it!

We went to see the new St. Trinians film just before Christmas and the four girls went to see it tonight. It got me to thinking how things had changed since the original movie.

For example in 1954 the School song went:

St. Trinian's St. Trinian's
Our battle cry.
St. Trinian's St. Trinian's
Will never die.

However now over half a century later it goes

We are the best, so screw the rest
We do as we damn well please
Until the end
St Trinian’s
Defenders of anarchy

My how things have changed!!

We set a new record for how late we went to bed on Christmas Eve - quarter to four!! Not because we were out pissing it up (like the bloke who overtook me at 80mph, ran a red light and did a hand brake turn into his road obviously was) nor because we were sitting wrapping up prezzies (we'd been up till 2am the previous night doing that!)

No we were late because we'd been to our traditional (well last three years not counting 2006 when we were in Oz) Midnight service. We left there at 1am, it took us just over an hour to get home, then nearly an hour to get small boy back to bed and the prezzies sorted out. Finally a nice cup of tea/glass of baileys and a couple of my homemade chocolate truffles!!

Luckily for us non of the kids woke up too early and we got up at about ten to nine to get the turkey molested and in the oven. When I went downstairs I made up a little song to explain what I found

On the first day of Christmas my truelove sent to me
Three steaming turds,
one mangled card and
a cat with a rocket up it's arse!!

Sarah made me sing it to her brother!! Me who was told not to sing at school concerts to him who was a soloist with Libera and is studying music!! Not fair!

Anyway prezzies are open, turkey is cooked, roast potatoes and parsnips in the oven and a Merry Christmas is in prospect.

Hope you are all having fun too

Merry Christmas

Something evil has taken up residence in the kitchen

It's green and disgusting and I don't know why it's there

Bloody Sprouts!

I hate the last few days before christmas - everyone becomes self centred and the roads become an absolute nightmare - not from drunk drivers (although I'm sure there is plenty of that around) but from people who are so busy thinking about what to buy Auntie Wilhemina or how many sprouts they need and just don't think or look where they are going.

There was one driver yesterday - he indicated to turn left, pulled off the main road, realised he'd gone the wrong way and just swung back onto the main road again narrowly missing me.

And as for the shops..... I went over to Tesco at lunchtime yesterday - took one look through the door and walked away again! Which is why I was in Asda at midnight last night doing our Christmas food shopping!!

It's catchy, it's infectious, the sort of song that you can't help singing along to and it gets stuck in your head for ages!

It's on every time you put the radio on, in the car, in the office anywhere!

It's been a hit twice in the past few months - firstly for the Zutons and now for Amy Winehouse!

You know the one I mean?

Only problem is......

...that's the name of my ex-wife and frankly the last person I would want to come on over is Valerie!!!!!

Last year the 21st December was

Hot and Sunny
The Longest day (Summer Solstice)
Spent in the Southern hemisphere

and

Our Wedding day

This year the 21st December was

Cold, Foggy and Icy
The Shortest day (Winter Solstice)
Spent in the Northern hemisphere

and

Our Wedding anniversary

One thing hasn't changed though - I'm still married to the same wonderful person!

I'd just woken up on my wedding day and my father in law said "It's not to late to change your mind you know"

....I'm glad I spent it with you xx

I had a lovely day off yesterday which I spent with my lovely wife.

She had to go into school - even though it was her day off. It was the reception class Christmas play and Sarah had been asked to go in and sit with the little girl with Down's syndrome she has been working with. The little girl has really taken to Sarah and will attach herself to Sarah whenever she is at work.

Having seen Sarah with her I can quite understand why! She is a cute little thing - the sort of kid you would want to look after.

Anyway I spent the whole time in Sarah's room looking after Ben who needed to be stopped from trying to join mummy in the hall.

After that we went to Brighton - we seem to added this to our yearly Christmas traditions - a shopping trip at the seaside. Beats our local shopping centre hands down anyway.

After lunch I was allowed a whole hour to go and find Christmas prezzies for her! Actually it only took me 45 minutes and 10 minutes of that was buying cards (Daughters 17th birthday, wedding anniversary and Christmas cards to keep my Dad happy (he is obsessed!) and another 10 minutes spending my birthday money (pair of noise cancelling headphones) - in my defence I did know exactly what I was getting her.

So after a lovely day we headed home - no sooner than we had got through the door then the nasty text messages started arriving from my ex-wife. I can't understand why she feels the need to continue to have a go at me even though we've been apart for almost 5 years. The gist of her attack was that I hadn't asked the girls if they wanted to go up north at New year.

FFS they spent all of last Christmas and New Year in Oz with us - you'd think she'd want them to herself this year. In reality they haven't spent a single New Years Eve with her since the split - strange that how she manages to get that particular night on her own.

I'd put good money on one of the following happening this year - either she will put them on a coach up to her mums house or the girls will spend NYE with their friends and mummy will be free to do whatever she wants.

For the love of all things holy will you please put that bauble back on the friggin tree....theres a good boy!!

For Sarah whose love of this instrument is legendary!!!

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley Davidson motorcycle?

A. You can tune a harley!

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chainsaw?

A. A chainsaw has a dynamic range!

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and an onion

A. No one crys when they chop up a banjo!

It was the dreaded time of year today - the day we buy the Christmas tree. Luckily we found a nice one in the first place we looked (B&Q) - and it was cheaper than the one we had two years ago! - We didn't have one last year because we were in Australia!!

Anyway as usual - we buy the tree and guess what it doesn't fit in the tree holder - never mind she says you can cut some off!! So there I was out in the back garden in the rain and dark sawing huge hunks of tree off so I can get the bloody thing in the stand. It's rammed in there now so hopefully it'll stay there (small boy permitting)

And then we couldn't find the secuteurs so I had to hacksaw the oversize branches off!!

I let her decorate it - she enjoys it and she'd only moan I was doing it wrong - I have to say though she's made a good job of it as usual

If only she hadn't found the farting Santa Claus!!

Edited to add: Small boy screamed with delight when he saw the tree this morning!!

Sarah booked me on a Christmas parent and child cooking course on Saturday. I'd been on one previously with youngest step-daughter which was specifically a fathers and children course. We'd enjoyed it so Sarah booked us on this one.

What I forgot of course was that this one was parent and child not father and child and when I arrived it became clear that I was the only Dad- ho hum!

Anyway we did have a great time and we made - Cheese and Bacon swirls, Chocolate truffles, Mince pies and a Chocolate Yule Log.

Three years ago I bought one of these

I was putting all my CD's into storage and I spent ages transferring music from CD to MP3 so I could still have a wide selection to listen to. It had a 20Gb hard drive and therefore held a lot of albums.

I used it all the time and then just over a year ago it broke, just before we went to Australia, and I was gutted. I have a sneaking suspicion that it was the magnet on my phone case that caused the damage. Either way it was the hard drive and to repair it was going to cost as much as buying a new one - so I couldn't do it.

I bought a 2Gb one from Dixons and loaded some music onto that but it wouldn't play albums and therefore I just had it on shuffle never knowing what was coming next. That one packed up after 8 months and the replacement would play albums but only if I edited the track name of each track to start with 01,02,03 etc.

Also 2GB was never enough and I never seemed to have anything I fancied listening to on it when I got it out.

So I really wanted a new 20Gb machine but I couldn't afford a new one. Luckily I found one on ebay and managed to win it for £45 which I now have loaded with music. The problem was which CD's to leave off - I could have filled it twice over and still had CD's to leave off!!

I notice that ipod now do a 160Gb ipod classic - now that would be more like it (if only it wasn't an ipod!) but they are about 300 quid each and I guess I'd need 3 (or 4)

I just spent three days north of the border in Dumfries working on an event for a veterinarian supplies company who had just been taken over by an American company. the show was in there warehouse and it was a strange site to see the audience sitting there still wearing their high vis jackets - a sea of yellowish green!!

Meanwhile I was very concerned about my cat who I had had to take to the vets before I left. He had stopped eating on Sunday morning and hadn't touched any food or water for two days. The vet examined him and couldn't find anything seriously wrong except what looked like a mark where he could have banged his nose. Antibiotics were injected and i took him home.

Every time I called there didn't seem to be any good news and I got the impression he was getting worse and I kept expecting to hear bad news. Thankfully he drank some water on Wednesday night and started eating again the following morning - just the jelly at first but later on the meat as well. He seems to be looking a bit better now and apart from me stuffing tablets down him twice a day seems happy enough.

Strange people the Scots - you can get haggis for breakfast lunch or dinner!! I started eating and one by one the rest of the crew plucked up enough courage to try it. All except for one who is South African and only considers meat to come in one form - STEAK!